In case you missed it, the Embassy of the United States of America was officially opened this morning in Havana. Secretary of State John Kerry (Lurch) presided over the ceremonies across from the ocean in the Vedado district. It was 86 degrees at the start of the program, there was a cloudless sky overhead, and those mean Cubans didn’t have the decency to erect a couple acres of shade next to the building. And then they forced Secretary Kerry to make a speech in a full suit! How deplorable and disgusting! They obviously have no respect for American government officials.

But the worst part is not commonly known by most Americans. Some prominent Cuban-American exiles in Miami have stated that the Cuban government purposely caused Global Warming in the western Caribbean. This was done just to make it even hotter near the new embassy, thereby torturing Secretary Kerry even more. I believe these accusations to be true, because I was in Havana less than six months ago, and it was much cooler then. To be fair, I should point out that the Cuban government showed much compassion by keeping dissidents away from the overheated ceremonies, allowing them to remain in a shadier and much cooler environment.